dear avery,

first off, looking back at some of these photographs really makes me realize that we go to bodega maybe a little too much. hopefully soon your rice & beans only diet will evolve a little bit. oh well, i’ll still love you either way. i always found it a bit sad that i never had any letters from my dad, to go back and read after he was gone. it took me til you were four years old to feel like this was something i wanted to do. unfortunately, he didn’t get that long with me so i won’t hold it against him. i want nothing more than to live as long as possible so i can continue to be your dad, and watch you continue to grow into the human i know you will. but in the event my time runs out, i want you to have these pictures and these words so you never forget how much i love you.

dear avery,

i hope by the time you read this, that things are much different. right now it seems like no one lives their lives for themselves, but rather to make themselves look like their life is just super-fucking-awesome, like all the time. i hope that by now you know, life isn’t always super-fucking-awesome. it gets tough, tiring, overwhelming. without a doubt, at times you will feel defeated, and that’s okay. surround yourself with people that love you, and they will build you back up. it is the people like this, that make your life awesome. the long term friends who know a side of you that i won’t ever be able to know (that’s also okay). so please take a lot of pictures to remember these people, and to catalog your lives together. don’t take pictures to make other people feel left out, or to try and prove how great your life is. i’ve found that our own happiness is better kept a secret. i hope that you’ll look through the photographs of my life and feel how great of a journey it has been. what an honor it’s been to just exist. from being your dad, to visiting amazing places with my friends, and just simply capturing my every day. this is what photography is for.

love,

dad

 

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bessa r3m + portra 400

after work, i ride my bike downtown. i walk around and get my mind off of work/life/shitty people. i shoot a roll of film and listen to music. observing the city to my own track list. even though at this point it’s all familiar to me, i take it in. hoping to be changed by something or someone. lately, i’ve been inspired on how i don’t want to live my life: glued to my phone, too busy peering into someones perfect life to live my own. so here i am, further motivated to live my own life. to catalog it in writing and photographs. ones that will help me remember my good and bad days. i’m still learning the concept of a home. having my own, and being at peace when i’m here. it’s important for not only me, but for avery to have a place that can’t get taken away from us. i see so many people (even friends) fighting a constant battle with always having to be somewhere new. to prove how exciting their life, and masking running away from their real life under the trigger word, wanderlust. we’re meant to root.

the photographs below were taken with a bessa r3m, a mix of glass (zeiss 35/2 + nokton 40/1,4), with portra 400, developed and scanned at home.

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the purpose of this.

some of my favorites from the last three months. a mix of my bessa r3m, contax g1, and olympus xa2. developed + scanned at home. i haven’t even went public with this project yet, besides sending it to a few close friends. i’m not not sure what direction i want to take it in, other than having an outlet to share the photographs i make. it’s not the kind of stuff that people on instagram want to see, but it’s my life and thats why it is so important to me. i ditched that shit because people don’t want to make photos for themselves to remember anymore, it’s more about ‘curating’ a life that seems better than everyone else’s. it’s weird seeing people you fuck with start to act like someone that they aren’t on the internet. what good does it do? to be so unauthentic at trying to convince people that you’re authentic? my life is pretty standard: i’m a single parent, my house is usually a mess (a 4 out of 10, so not too bad), and i work a lot. my free time is spent doing shit that makes me happy. reading, spending time with daughter, maintaining relationships with my friends/family, riding my bike, documenting my life with a camera, and two weeks out of the year i try and travel and see new places. i wanted some place i could share my thoughts + photos and this seems like the best place for that, for now. so if you’re reading, thank you.

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contax tix + fuji nexia 200

so, i won’t even get into the whole aps film being a few years too late to save film from the digital take over, blah blah blah… because you can find that all explained in detail elsewhere. i just get on these kicks of searching for weird shit on the internet and decided to try an aps camera out. i liked the idea of having a camera i could use and have the results converted to smaller 5×7 prints. which, happens to be where the totally irrelevant aps format shines. when i got these prints back, i was floored at the sharpness/lighting/tone accuracy of them. it gave me that feeling of going back in time and reliving the moments where i took the photos, some shit that only seeing your photos in print can do. obviously this contax tix (basically a contax t3 but for aps film) is the reason behind all of that and right now they’re still pretty cheap for what you get. i stocked up on about 12 rolls of 40 exposure fuji nexia 200 (the best aps film there is) and after getting this back, will probably buy a dozen or so more to keep me going for a few years. it’s a finite resource and i’ve accepted that this beautiful titanium mini-t3 will be a shelf ornament soon, but for now i’ll keep shooting it. development and print’s done by dwayne’s photo. prints scanned in on my epsom v600 at 1200 dpi.

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i know i’m just a memory

all of these were shot on a contax g1 / carl zeiss 45mm planar over the course of (i hate to say it) about five months. processed at home. negatives scanned with a nikon coolscan v ed. for whatever reason, the g1 kit didn’t feel right for me when i first started using it, so i put it away for awhile. these photos are so sharp for 35mm – and i see the hype around the lens now: it’s so sharp and versatile. typically a 45mm lens would be too ‘close’ for me, but it’s helped me work on composing shots a little differently. you’ve got to work a little harder to fit what you want in the frame, but i think i’m okay with that.

i’m still trying to find the direction i want to take this. it’s turning out harder than i expected to do anything but just post photos. i’m so jaded by seeing people try so hard, to ‘create content’. even in the film community, they obsess over instagram. i never wanted to put all this time and effort into photos that would be looked at for a quarter of a second, double tapped, and then never looked at again. fuck that, that isn’t me. i want to live my life and take photos of the people/places/things that make it worth remembering. i want to take better photos. i want to try new development methods, learn how to shoot long exposures without blowing the lights out so fucking bright, publish my photography in print on the walls of my favorite places, make a photo-book. i just want to keep learning. so for now, all that makes sense is to keep taking pictures.

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unknown b/w 400

lance threw jeremy and myself a roll of some old stock film he brought home from europe. from what he was told, it was used as ‘spy’ film in world war 2. hand-rolled for around twelve exposures (i ended up getting fifteen) and then developed in caffenol in the dark room. shot with an olympus xa2 (thanks dylan) and scanned in on a nikon coolscan v ed at 4000dpi. the tones are interesting, but i would of liked to see these photos done in a ‘proper’ developer.

 

velvia 50

a thirty year expired roll of velvia 50 shot over the course of two months and processed/scanned by the darkroom. it was a weird time for me, and i struggled to find inspiration to take photos with my brain preoccupied with my own shit. people come and go and this for me is a reminder of that. when i look at each of them i remember where i was at in my own head, so in this case i don’t really feel like i was trying to capture anything but my own feelings. sixteen images from this roll of 220 are up in physical form at cafe hey. thanks for looking.

ps: i listened to this album on repeat for pretty much a month straight. it’s phenomenal and helped me through it.

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