i walked in my door at 9:45pm. thursday’s are the long days, and the bittersweet ones. spending time with avery is always one of the highlights of my week, but dropping her back off with mom is always hard on me. when i got home tonight, i took 3 aleve’s with a beer and i started thinking about how funny life is. there’s a sun kil moon line from sunshine in chicago that goes, “my back, it fucking hurts, but otherwise i’m fine”, and lately that’s how i’ve been feeling. life has been good to me, i’d even go as far as saying it’s been great. i’m progressing in my career and becoming more and more of a nerd as the days go by. focusing on being a better dad and appreciating my time with avery to the fullest, while also not beating up myself for the things i can’t change. and emotionally, without throwing shade, i realized that i’m happier this way. without the strain of an unhealthy (sorry) relationship that i’m not committed to because thing’s just weren’t right. i don’t want to have to force myself to just believe that things are right. anyways, these four images were taken on one of those thursdays. capture with a fuji klasse w with fuji superia 400. i printed these on 8.5×11 archival paper and framed them on glass-covered clipboards as a donation for cherry bomb media’s stimulating the senses art show. which was a fundraiser for impact academy, a great school in tampa that provides amazing services for children and teenagers who are on the spectrum.
i wish i had the tools
or the knowledge to know
how to measure
the space you’ve claimed in my chest
a quarry, it seems
it’s a space just for you,
filled with memories
people always say
“it feels like
a lot of time has passed”
but when i look
into a mirror
i never see yesterday
time just seems to go, go, go.
sometimes it feels easier to run with it,
but i want to stay here for now, with all of you.
it’s me again. i promise i won’t ever tell your friends about this as you get older, which you will (inevitably) continue to do. time seems to go by so fast, but the time that we spend together seems to carve out it’s own corridor in my memory. i’ll never take that for granted, because i can’t even remember what i had for lunch by 6pm most days. lately, things have been quite difficult and i see how it impacts you. just know that we will work through it together, i will always do everything in my power to make it better, and also know that there is always iced-cream. some of those things will stay in my letters to you, and off of the internet. we’re making progress, through grace and time – i think things will get better. for you, i’ll always do my best to be the bigger person and please believe me when i say there have times when that has been hard. but for you, i’ve had to bite my tongue until my mouth feels like it’s filled with real blood.
time solves most things, and what time can’t solve, you have to solve yourself.
i look at the photos that i take of you, and i can remember those days spent together. i think all of these are at least six months old, and i remember them like yesterday. we have a routine, and i know that you hate to break that but you’re starting to come out of your shell a little bit and that’s really cool to see. as much as i love bodega, if i’m being honest, that tempeh sandwich lost its appeal a year ago. with this new job bringing me closer to you, there is moving pieces that are coming together to allow us to build more routines. because, how could i ever tire of them?
time for something new. after two years at my current position i felt myself grasping for change. my loyalty to my employer has always made me feel bad for looking out for myself, so i stuck around. the main pull for me to find something new was the realization that my distance from my daughter was farther than i wanted it to be. not that i didn’t know this before, but when she started to bring it up to me and be upset about it, i knew i had to make a change. i thought it would be really great if i could find something on the other side of the bridge, so i wasn’t separated by an hour commute (and only sixteen miles) from her. i wanted to be more involved in the day to day things that rush hour traffic and a non-flexible work schedule kept me from. also, we just needed to spend more time together and i was determined to make that happen.
so, starting december seventeenth, i start a new job. flexible, and five minutes from my daughter. i really am looking forward to leaving work and being able to pick her up from school and then spend the day with her. so this memorytapes is about just that. how sometimes, it all works out.
thanks for reading, peace.
every morning i wake up, i feel a little better in my space. i read this article about people who suffer from depression and this idea of an ‘impossible task’, it could be something super simple that you just avoid doing because it feels impossible. the writer talked about how she would have her friends come over and help her with the simplest tasks. stuff like doing laundry, going grocery shopping, sending a letter. shit that should be simple felt like such a burden. i felt that and i didn’t want to feel that way anymore. the last three years in my home have been rough, and i think that’s even an understatement. i got walled in with impossible tasks. half painted walls, finding reminders of shit i didn’t want to be reminded of, letters that weren’t meant for me to see. i would spend all day working from home and the second i was done, i would leave my house. spend time with avery, read at a bar, go out and take photos, see movies by myself. i wanted to do anything but he here because i felt surrounded by these impossible tasks at hand. making the decision to start processing my own film slowly made me want to be at home. putting in late nights to learn everything that a few months before felt like an impossible task was so rewarding. everything was full cycle and it felt like i was becoming a better photographer with every roll i’d shoot. a lot of people think it’s a pain in the ass to shoot film, and it is.
mom, thank you for helping me start over (and just being you).
dylan, you already know how much you’ve inspired me and i hope we continue to push each other to be better.
gabe, thank you for learning with me, all of the late nights in the lab, and enabling me to eat zekos at 2am on week nights.
and like that promise ring song, ‘things are just getting good’. so lets keep it going.
anyways, thanks for reading and here’s a playlist: memorytapes:five.