dear avery,

dear avery,

it’s me again. i promise i won’t ever tell your friends about this as you get older, which you will (inevitably) continue to do. time seems to go by so fast, but the time that we spend together seems to carve out it’s own corridor in my memory. i’ll never take that for granted, because i can’t even remember what i had for lunch by 6pm most days. lately, things have been quite difficult and i see how it impacts you. just know that we will work through it together, i will always do everything in my power to make it better, and also know that there is always iced-cream. some of those things will stay in my letters to you, and off of the internet. we’re making progress, through grace and time – i think things will get better. for you, i’ll always do my best to be the bigger person and please believe me when i say there have times when that has been hard. but for you, i’ve had to bite my tongue until my mouth feels like it’s filled with real blood.

time solves most things, and what time can’t solve, you have to solve yourself.

i look at the photos that i take of you, and i can remember those days spent together. i think all of these are at least six months old, and i remember them like yesterday. we have a routine, and i know that you hate to break that but you’re starting to come out of your shell a little bit and that’s really cool to see. as much as i love bodega, if i’m being honest, that tempeh sandwich lost its appeal a year ago. with this new job bringing me closer to you, there is moving pieces that are coming together to allow us to build more routines. because, how could i ever tire of them?

love,

dad

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memorytapes:six

time for something new. after two years at my current position i felt myself grasping for change. my loyalty to my employer has always made me feel bad for looking out for myself, so i stuck around. the main pull for me to find something new was the realization that my distance from my daughter was farther than i wanted it to be. not that i didn’t know this before, but when she started to bring it up to me and be upset about it, i knew i had to make a change. i thought it would be really great if i could find something on the other side of the bridge, so i wasn’t separated by an hour commute (and only sixteen miles) from her. i wanted to be more involved in the day to day things that rush hour traffic and a non-flexible work schedule kept me from. also, we just needed to spend more time together and i was determined to make that happen.

so, starting december seventeenth, i start a new job. flexible, and five minutes from my daughter. i really am looking forward to leaving work and being able to pick her up from school and then spend the day with her. so this memorytapes is about just that. how sometimes, it all works out.

thanks for reading, peace.

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memorytapes:five

every morning i wake up, i feel a little better in my space. i read this article about people who suffer from depression and this idea of an ‘impossible task’, it could be something super simple that you just avoid doing because it feels impossible. the writer talked about how she would have her friends come over and help her with the simplest tasks. stuff like doing laundry, going grocery shopping, sending a letter. shit that should be simple felt like such a burden. i felt that and i didn’t want to feel that way anymore. the last three years in my home have been rough, and i think that’s even an understatement. i got walled in with impossible tasks. half painted walls, finding reminders of shit i didn’t want to be reminded of, letters that weren’t meant for me to see. i would spend all day working from home and the second i was done, i would leave my house. spend time with avery, read at a bar, go out and take photos, see movies by myself. i wanted to do anything but he here because i felt surrounded by these impossible tasks at hand. making the decision to start processing my own film slowly made me want to be at home. putting in late nights to learn everything that a few months before felt like an impossible task was so rewarding. everything was full cycle and it felt like i was becoming a better photographer with every roll i’d shoot. a lot of people think it’s a pain in the ass to shoot film, and it is.

mom, thank you for helping me start over (and just being you).

dylan, you already know how much you’ve inspired me and i hope we continue to push each other to be better.

gabe, thank you for learning with me, all of the late nights in the lab, and enabling me to eat zekos at 2am on week nights.

and like that promise ring song, ‘things are just getting good’. so lets keep it going.

anyways, thanks for reading and here’s a playlist: memorytapes:five.

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there’s helicopters over my head, every night when i go to bed.

and i always tell myself that i should go to sleep (but i never do). it feels like this is the only time i have to sit here, listen to music, and start typing out some words about how i’m feeling. last week i was sitting in a camper van in fucking iceland, and while gabe drove us down the north coast he put this record on. i kept singing this line back to myself in my head, “do you feel ashamed when you hear my name?”

i’m back home now, and i won’t lie. it is just now starting to feel like my home. there was shit packed into drawers and closets that i couldn’t find the courage to deal with until now. it reminded me not of a failed relationship, but of something that felt more like resentment. the carelessness and disregard for all of the lives that had came and went before. going through everything with my mom (thank you for your help, i love you), i couldn’t bring myself to throw away the memories of a family i’m no longer even a part of. the memories that sat in a musty laundry room and outside in a shed, for the last four years. maybe left for me to find and then feel bad for throwing away. but me being me, a me that i’m happy to be. i’ll pack it neatly, and return it. maybe it’ll mean more this time around.

photographs were taken on a fuji klasse w on a mix of kodak portra 160 and fuji superia 400.

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