there’s helicopters over my head, every night when i go to bed.

and i always tell myself that i should go to sleep (but i never do). it feels like this is the only time i have to sit here, listen to music, and start typing out some words about how i’m feeling. last week i was sitting in a camper van in fucking iceland, and while gabe drove us down the north coast he put this record on. i kept singing this line back to myself in my head, “do you feel ashamed when you hear my name?”

i’m back home now, and i won’t lie. it is just now starting to feel like my home. there was shit packed into drawers and closets that i couldn’t find the courage to deal with until now. it reminded me not of a failed relationship, but of something that felt more like resentment. the carelessness and disregard for all of the lives that had came and went before. going through everything with my mom (thank you for your help, i love you), i couldn’t bring myself to throw away the memories of a family i’m no longer even a part of. the memories that sat in a musty laundry room and outside in a shed, for the last four years. maybe left for me to find and then feel bad for throwing away. but me being me, a me that i’m happy to be. i’ll pack it neatly, and return it. maybe it’ll mean more this time around.

photographs were taken on a fuji klasse w on a mix of kodak portra 160 and fuji superia 400.

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i felt more purpose in spending my mental capacity on the thoughts of being a better father, a better friend, even a better reader. rather than focusing on social media and partaking in the endless scrolling. i would be lying if i said i didn’t get derailed by the attention my photography received, by the people i met all around the world through our similar interests. i started to learn how to be relevant on the internet. it made me feel good, temporarily. making sure i posted every other day to stay in the algorithm, using the right hash tags, posting at the peak hours, all that shit. for what? to have my photographs be seen for a fraction of a second by people that i would never meet or even have any real interaction with? all the gratification i received at the end of the day, through instagram, meant nothing to me. it was sort of a false inspiration to keep doing what i was doing but not without also making me feel distracted and starting to take photographs of what i knew other people would want to see. i realized that sharing my photos in person, even though i left no trace of how to contact me, or who i was, felt better. knowing that the people who took the time to look, knew the street names, the architecture, the laundromats and their neon lights, the feel of our city. a place that we all dwell together. thats the gratification i want. that is what i want to take photographs of. i want to make connections and have conversations with the people that connect with me on a deeper level. it’s so easy and cheap to create things for the sake of attracting a “following”. i cannot imagine being one of those people who saw that as a viable source of income, or could feel comfortable selling out for ad revenue or click through revenue. now there’s ads for these fucking people to teach you how to make money off making dumbass youtube videos. i cannot believe this is even real.

we are not here for long, if the whatever medium you use, whatever you’re trying to create is for anything other than representing of the ups and downs of your life to the people in your real life, you’re selling yourself short.

photographs were taken with a bessa r3m + zeiss 35/2 on fuji superia 400/cinestill 50d

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i know i’m just a memory

all of these were shot on a contax g1 / carl zeiss 45mm planar over the course of (i hate to say it) about five months. processed at home. negatives scanned with a nikon coolscan v ed. for whatever reason, the g1 kit didn’t feel right for me when i first started using it, so i put it away for awhile. these photos are so sharp for 35mm – and i see the hype around the lens now: it’s so sharp and versatile. typically a 45mm lens would be too ‘close’ for me, but it’s helped me work on composing shots a little differently. you’ve got to work a little harder to fit what you want in the frame, but i think i’m okay with that.

i’m still trying to find the direction i want to take this. it’s turning out harder than i expected to do anything but just post photos. i’m so jaded by seeing people try so hard, to ‘create content’. even in the film community, they obsess over instagram. i never wanted to put all this time and effort into photos that would be looked at for a quarter of a second, double tapped, and then never looked at again. fuck that, that isn’t me. i want to live my life and take photos of the people/places/things that make it worth remembering. i want to take better photos. i want to try new development methods, learn how to shoot long exposures without blowing the lights out so fucking bright, publish my photography in print on the walls of my favorite places, make a photo-book. i just want to keep learning. so for now, all that makes sense is to keep taking pictures.

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