i hope you all are continuing to stay safe. a lot of people are going full tilt back to their version of normalcy. i’ve continued to keep my social interaction very small, and i hope you all are as well. without a doubt, this has made me realize that i am extremely blessed to be able to work at home – as much as it sometimes can get to my mental health – my income hasn’t stopped, and i can work in a safe environment. for that, i am extremely thankful – almost thankful to the point of feeling guilty. i’ve been finding joy in those moments that i give myself to go out, be in my own head, and create images. if i have a day off, or work gets done early – i’ve been just picking a spot on google maps, and driving there with a camera. this playlist is something i put together that sort of captures what i’ve been listening to in those moments.
i wish i had the tools
or the knowledge to know
how to measure
the space you’ve claimed in my chest
a quarry, it seems
it’s a space just for you,
filled with memories
time for something new. after two years at my current position i felt myself grasping for change. my loyalty to my employer has always made me feel bad for looking out for myself, so i stuck around. the main pull for me to find something new was the realization that my distance from my daughter was farther than i wanted it to be. not that i didn’t know this before, but when she started to bring it up to me and be upset about it, i knew i had to make a change. i thought it would be really great if i could find something on the other side of the bridge, so i wasn’t separated by an hour commute (and only sixteen miles) from her. i wanted to be more involved in the day to day things that rush hour traffic and a non-flexible work schedule kept me from. also, we just needed to spend more time together and i was determined to make that happen.
so, starting december seventeenth, i start a new job. flexible, and five minutes from my daughter. i really am looking forward to leaving work and being able to pick her up from school and then spend the day with her. so this memorytapes is about just that. how sometimes, it all works out.
thanks for reading, peace.
every morning i wake up, i feel a little better in my space. i read this article about people who suffer from depression and this idea of an ‘impossible task’, it could be something super simple that you just avoid doing because it feels impossible. the writer talked about how she would have her friends come over and help her with the simplest tasks. stuff like doing laundry, going grocery shopping, sending a letter. shit that should be simple felt like such a burden. i felt that and i didn’t want to feel that way anymore. the last three years in my home have been rough, and i think that’s even an understatement. i got walled in with impossible tasks. half painted walls, finding reminders of shit i didn’t want to be reminded of, letters that weren’t meant for me to see. i would spend all day working from home and the second i was done, i would leave my house. spend time with avery, read at a bar, go out and take photos, see movies by myself. i wanted to do anything but he here because i felt surrounded by these impossible tasks at hand. making the decision to start processing my own film slowly made me want to be at home. putting in late nights to learn everything that a few months before felt like an impossible task was so rewarding. everything was full cycle and it felt like i was becoming a better photographer with every roll i’d shoot. a lot of people think it’s a pain in the ass to shoot film, and it is.
mom, thank you for helping me start over (and just being you).
dylan, you already know how much you’ve inspired me and i hope we continue to push each other to be better.
gabe, thank you for learning with me, all of the late nights in the lab, and enabling me to eat zekos at 2am on week nights.
and like that promise ring song, ‘things are just getting good’. so lets keep it going.
anyways, thanks for reading and here’s a playlist: memorytapes:five.
the first time i heard ‘isaiah’s unsung love song’ was wandering around patterson park taking these photos, and sitting on that bench. that sample never leaves my head. all of these have been on heavy rotation. memorytapes:four. enjoy.
photographs were taken with a contax g1 + zeiss 45/2 on portra 160.
still trying to my find my place here. in this city/timeline/myself. music gets me closer to that, and here’s some of the stuff i’ve been bumping lately: memorytapes:three. new stuff up at cafe hey. i wrote a lot of words to accompany them and they’re still sitting infront of me on my desk.
with the amount of time spent learning how to do all this film processing, trying to do things in the most efficient and correct ways, making mistakes, figuring out how to fix or compensate for those mistakes. i’ve learned to even more appreciate music. a lot of these are throwbacks of some of the first bands that got me into post-rock/ambient music, but they still resonate with me. so here’s memorytapes:two, hope you enjoy.
i’m going to try and use this to share music as well. so here is some stuff i’ve been into this week. obviously still pretty heavy on the emo jams. in other news: i’m starting to develop at home and am excited to focus my energy on photography again, without the end result being anything to do with social media. dylan and i have a few shows coming up and it makes me want to go out and take pictures and i love that feeling.